Meet Millarca

Millarca von Austria was born in a small village in Eastern Europe that she now forgets the name of, but was taught by an old bearded astronomer that it was in fact located in the exact Center of the Universe. Her mother was a banker and her father was a male prostitute, and from what she remembers they were considered a very progressive family for the time.

She was the only child of ten to survive the plague, which soon eliminated the rest of the town as well. Realizing that there was nothing left for her there in a village of dead people, Millarca left to seek her fortune.

After traveling around medieval Europe for a while dressed as a boy to lessen┬áthe chances of being sexually harassed, she met Count Dracula, becoming the first of his infamous “Brides” and making the full transformation from young woman to creature of the night.

“To be honest I can’t remember anything about what being human was like. I remember I got sick a lot more but I think that had to do with medieval medicine being pretty lame,” says Millarca, now celebrating her 1,001st birthday.

When asked about what Dracula was like in a relationship, she said only “Rough. Impossible. He doesn’t play fair with his mind control powers. He’s gotten better in the last few decades and we talk now, but back in the 1600s in particular, he was impossible. I should have known it was a bad situation I was in; but he was my first serious relationship and I was only what, 600? How was I supposed to know?”

Together with Dracula’s other two brides, Dakki Foxtail of Hong Kong and Vladislava of Bulgaria. Millarca ravaged the Transylvanian countryside for hundreds of years and helped Dracula throw lavish parties for visiting celebrities, including the author Bram Stoker, who felt the need to write a highly inaccurate book about the foursome.

“Well for one thing the book completely whitewashed Dakki,” says von Austria. “Also I disliked how he made it look like we were just all about sex, all the time; please. Like we would seduce some weird looking ugly traveler dude when there’s three of us and we’re all super-powered and could easily just go for an immediate attack. I feel so robbed. One of the main reasons we didn’t kill [Stoker] was because we were so excited for the book to come out. Then it did and… well, I was very disappointed when Drac read it to me. (I couldn’t read at the time.)”

The last of Dracula’s original 3 brides to remain married to him, she finally left Transylvania to pursue darker pastures at the turn of the 20th century, enjoying brief careers as a silent film star and recording artist. She has also been a frequent and generous benefactor to blood banks around the United States.

“After 87 or so years of being single, I’m finally ready to put myself out there. I’m excited for the opportunity to do this and meet all of these new and exciting people!”

To follow Millarca’s search for love, be sure to tune into the show!

a web series with serious bite.