will Sketch the Drug Dealer enter Millarca’s heart, or her bloodstream?
Name: Sketch Reynolds. Don’t say Derek. I’m trying to keep my real identity on the DL.
Hometown: Modesto where the pests go, yo. (California)
Occupation: Drug Dealer
Favorite Animal: Me in bed. Whaaaaat?
Dream Date: (censored)
Dream Vacation: Everybody says some lame sh** like Hawaii or Switzerland or something, but honestly I want to go just take, like, an old map… well I guess all maps are old these days cause of phones, but, I’d like to take an old map and just point somewhere without looking, and then look and be like “Alright b****, we’re going to the stretch of ocean just outside of Papa New Guinea. Bring your bikini. Or don’t.”
What Is Love To You? Ha… Love is like when you have a racecar — like, a vintage racecar, and you stuff the glove compartment full of half-pound baggies of crack cocaine, and you keep them in there, and then you speed as fast as you can till before you know it six cop cars and a helicopter are all tailing you but you keep driving and then you look and you notice “oh sh** hot d**n, I’m running on empty,” but you KEEP driving and then it’s like “whaaat oh look it’s the Grand Canyon” and then you drive INTO the Grand Canyon and you hear all the cop cars screeching to a halt behind you and the sirens are still going and your car is just plummeting to the ground and the helicopter is still tailing you but you know what you do? You open the Mother. F***ing. Glove compartment. That’s love.
How Do You Feel About Dying? I mean obviously not super great, ’cause you know, I like being able to move around and do shit, which you can’t do when you’re dead. But when I think about how much getting old and wobbly and not making it to the toilet and having a big wrinkly flabby ass and chicks thinking I’m an old weird perv would blow, I guess it’s not too bad.
Have You Ever Had Your Heart Broken? Nah.
If You Could Spend A Day With Any Historical Figure, Who Would It Be And What Would You Do? This might surprise you, but I’d actually really want to meet Jepp the Clairvoyant Dwarf. He’s this guy who had dwarfism who hung out with Tycho Brahe the astronomer. He used to share psychic facts from his visions or whatever and ride around on an elk. F***ing A, man, I’d watch a little guy riding on an elk all f***ing day!
Describe Your Perfect Life Partner: She’s hot, she either likes loud music or is cool with earplugs, she gives great massages, she’s comfortable putting on her makeup while I’m taking a sh**, she doesn’t like the water too hot in the shower (man that can get irritating) she puts the toilet paper on the toilet paper roll coming down the front, she trusts me to go make stupid decisions and learn from my own mistakes but cares enough about me to shake some sense into me if I’m about to do something super duper stupid, she likes doing dishes or has a maid/butler.