Meet Zachary

will Zachary smooth talk his way into Millarca’s arms, or will she make him squirm? 

UPDATE: Tragically, Zachary left this mortal coil on Episode 6. He leaves behind his children, their pimples, and many jars of snake oil. We still hope you enjoy reading his interview questions from before his untimely death at the age of 57. 

Name: Zachary Sidewinder

Hometown: Tucson, AZ

 Snake Oil Salesman


Ophiuchus! Bet you ain’t never heard of that one, it’s the new astrology sign that was introduced a couple years back. The 13th sign. The Snake Charmer. Fitting, right? I think it’s fitting.

Favorite Animal:

Dream Date: 
First I impress her by showing up in one of my nicer vintage cars, such as my 1966 Shelby 427 Cobra. I then drive her to a little known but very posh restaurant preferably of the Asian variety. We dine together on the entrails of strange and unusual beasts while discussing politics, shady business tactics and the film work of legendary screen star Nicholas Cage. Following this, we walk through some type of populated area where we proceed to grow increasingly intimate to such a point that we feel it is necessary to relocate to a private area. (Censored.)

Dream Vacation:  
Mexico. A nice, moonlit beach where the population of female humans outweighs the population of sharks by at least a 3:1 ratio.

What Is Love To You?  
Extremely necessary in life. We all need love and loneliness is the one thing snake oil does not cure. I love my children which is why I hope I win this show so that they can become vampires with me; there is no greater show of love that I can think of.

How Do You Feel About Dying? I don’t know as I have not yet experienced that particular sensation. The idea of it is not particularly appealing to me but I suppose that’s just something I’ll have to deal with when it comes.

Have You Ever Had Your Heart Broken? When my wife died, the mother of my children, I wept a lot. The snake oil helped keep the redness and puffiness down in my eyes – thank God for snakes!

If You Could Spend A Day With Any Historical Figure, Who Would It Be And What Would You Do? Clark Stanley, father of snake oil! I would help him be better remembered for his legacy of bringing the magic of snake oil to the western world.

Describe Your Perfect Life Partner: She will be beautiful and charming and will assist me in my mission to stay young forever and promote the wonders of snake oil to the masses.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *